Rediscovering myself with my Crisis Angel

Our human life is not a comfortable bed of roses, we’ve heard about that countless number of times. Our lives are like the roller-coaster ride filled with ups and downs at the most unexpected moments. While some survive these rough and lean patches of life, many others do not have the strength to face the crisis life puts them in; they break down, go into depression and accept defeat.

But, every cloud has a silver lining, and above those clouds high up in the skies, sits the Almighty God, who watches over us and how we deal with our tribulations. What is so wonderful about Him is that He is the ultimate schemer for He secretly places some guardian angels around us; these persons are the anchors in our lives which hold us in the severest storm that befalls us, and steer us through the troubled waters. These people are our “crisis angels” –  they’re the manifestations of God’s blessings.

I also have many crisis angels in my life, but one of them needs a special mention. That’s because she came into my life at a time, when I was crumbling down and was on the verge of losing myself entirely. This post is dedicated to that special person and it is a token of gratitude for helping me stand up again and smile.

I will not disclose her real name here, for she might not take it well; however I’ll talk about her with the name I had given her. She is Lily, and I named her so after Lily Aldrin, the fictional character in the English television series How I Met Your Mother, and portrayed by talented American actress Alyson Hannigan. And she used to call me Ted Mosby, another fictional character from the same show, and one of Lily’s best friends. You must be wondering why we named each other like that. Well, we both bonded over this lovely TV show, and somehow, we connected ourselves with both these characters (although many favour Barney Stintson!). I had requested her to watch this show, and she watched the episodes like a crazy girl, instantly falling in love with the story! We soon realized how stupid and funny we both can get and at the same time, have concern for each other, just like the two characters!

The first half of 2014, especially the month of January was the stormy phase in my life which I talked about earlier. It was my last semester of engineering and I was quite geared up to spend the last days of my college in the most amazing and memorable manner as possible. However, the one sitting above those clouds had other plans. This phase was supposed to be my ‘enlightenment’ phase, not ‘enjoyment’ phase as I realized it later.

I will not describe in detail what happened during these months. I will keep it short. In the month of January, in response to a very trifle matter, I committed a huge blunder by outpouring my person angst and feelings on Facebook in the form of a status update. Little did I realize at that time that this update would almost destroy me mentally in the next few months. A section of students in my college were terribly angered over my stupid action on the social networking website, as they felt targeted and insulted, and to vent out their anger and disappointment, they resorted to means which broke me into pieces, not literally though. If that was not enough, I also used harsh words with close friends who had tried to help me, and soon, a rift grew out of the misunderstanding. Don’t be surprised if I say Lily was one of them too! Slowly, I broke down mentally out of guilt, repentance and a little bit of anger at myself. I couldn’t gather myself to think clearly at that moment and I started to have attacks of depression. My eating and sleeping suffered consequently. My blogging and other creative work took a backseat totally. I lost my mood and touch! The easiest escape route I could think of then was to withdraw myself into a shell and avoid contact with people. The classroom was just a room to me; I was lost inside myself. What seemed more heartbreaking was that hardly any of my classmates or friends showed concern for me. Not that I wanted their sympathy or false concern, but it seemed they were ashamed of me. This was a storm I hadn’t come across in life before.

And…. gradually, the Almighty’s scheme started unravelling itself. Lily’s birthday in late February offered me a chance of redemption and I couldn’t miss this one shot. I wrote a really long letter of apology to her and gifted a handmade portrait of her; it was a painting I’d made after almost 4 months! Clouds can only hide the sun, but can not eat the sunshine. Lily forgave me and we became best friends again. Step by step, in the next few months, she drew me out of my shell, and made me see the bright side of life again. She showed me where I was wrong and what I should do to improve my thinking and personality. She knew the best medicine for me was painting and blogging. So she inspired me to write and sketch again. As a mark of our friendship and to make me feel better for being her good friend, she gifted me this wonderful handmade gift.

But, it wasn’t easy for me. I was still victimized by depression, and couldn’t feel cheerful. I talked to her about it. She said only one person could help me now. One day, in the month of April, she accompanied me to the famous Dol Gobindo Temple which was a few kilometres away from my college. This temple was situated in my ancestral place – Rajaduar, where my maternal grandparents grew up. The place was so peaceful. After we entered the temple compound, Lily said, pointing towards the altar, “Go and talk to Him, Lord Krishna. Pour your heart to Him, tell Him how sorry you are for your mistakes and most importantly, say your thanks to Him, for He has been watching over you from above the clouds, helping you discover a new person inside you and looking at life as an optimist. I am sure He will clear your doubts and help you find the inner peace you’ve been looking for.” (in picture: Dol Gobindo Temple)

I cried…cried a lot that day. For I felt free after months of pain and guilt, that was eating me away from the inside. God and His angel, Lily truly made me smile again. My faith in God has become stronger after this bad phase. Through this post, I offer my sincerest thanks to Lily; she is miles away from me now, but I know how happy she is to see me grow in the last few months. I am a much better and matured person today, and I see life in a different way. Most importantly, I have learnt to deal with anger, pain and strong emotions, and now, I know the perils of being too vocal on a social networking website.

I end with a beautiful quote by my favourite author Haruki Murakami. He says:

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

I have survived this storm, all credit to #MyCrisisAngel. 🙂

This post is written as a part of the initiative by www.incrisisrelief.org  as a part of IndiChange in www.indiblogger.in.